Today I had 300 mg of codeine. (While editing feel incredibly blissful). During the week I take a much smaller dose – like 60 to 75 – and to be doing this while also withdrawing from a benzo is getting retarded.  I feel restless and spaced out all the time. Not good. My fiance takes them too though and he is not withdrawing from benzos – and it’s hard to not “join in the fun.” It feels good and I like being stoned. It is a wonderful distraction. 

Opiates are out of my system within three days. I think because I know this, I figure I can stop “whenever I want” and am definitely abusing them during my benzo WD period. 

So you are probably reading this, scratching your head and wondering why a person would create such misery for themselves. 

Lately, when I look in the mirror I don’t like what I see. I don’t like the blank eyes staring back at me when I know they are normally full of life. I don’t like looking at the truth. Not taking a drug to fix how I feel every day is difficult – or is it? Am I really anxious all the time or do I just think I am anxious all the time?

Am I contradicting myself by taking the opiates to “have fun” on the weekend, and then suffer from the lower dose during the week – the so-called maintenance dose? I mean, I’m basically feeling two different withdrawls. Some days are easier than others.

As I was writing previously, my environment has the biggest effect on how I am feeling. I have a stressful job and lately I just crumble like a cracker. I don’t feel excited about the things I was once excited about (at work). I chose the field for a reason. I know I am stronger than this because I have been stronger than this… A LOT stronger than this.

Sometimes I think it could be a lot worse, that I could be an alcoholic trying to recover and need to go to inpatient therapy. I wish I would wake up with renewed confidence one day, the depression I feel now completely gone. After all, isn’t it up to me to be happy, to not waste precious time falling victim to a challenge in life? I am obviously learning something here. I need to be thankful for that.

I chose to do this while a particularly annoying co-worker took their two week vacation. I can’t stress enough how much of an impact my environment has had on my recovery. This particular individual is more anxious than I am – and the anxiety is literally addicting, kind of like when a person yawns and then a series of other people begin yawning. OK, so I’m slightly exaggerting.

The first week I made sure to take enough diazepam at night to hold me in the morning.  The second week I felt particularly stress-free and kept a log of when I felt the need to take my ONLY dose of .5 mg of Alprazolam. My schedule went as following the week of Oct. 27-31:

• Monday – 11:30 a.m.
• Tuesday – 9:30 a.m.
• Wednesday – noon
• Thursday – 1 p.m.
• Friday – 3 p.m. 

As you can see – I progressed quite impressively throughout the week. I am pretty sure the day I needed my pill at 9:30 a.m. I did not have enough diazepam in my system from the night before. I only took one pill a day because of the four-hour half life – by the time I got home from work at 6 p.m. I could soon take the diazepam. Sounds fun doesn’t it?

This past week with my coworker back in the office has been OK. I work in the communications field and have accepted this will undoubtedly bring a certain level of stress to my life. Unfortunately – also going on this week –  were issues in my relationship, and I was a complete basketcase. My poor fiance! Yes, I said fiance.

Each day was filled with anxiety, mostly felt right under my ribcage – where my shrink says a huge nerve center is located. This area tends to be the first place people experience the feeling of restlessness or anxiety. So I was experiencing this for what felt like the entire day, although I know most of it must be in my head. I have cheated on my “no other benzos” rule and ate some clonazepam instead of diazepam. Call me weak, but I needed something strong or something bad was going to happen.

One reason I need something a little stronger are my crying fits. A lot of things are making me cry. Reality alone is making me cry. I have been selfish during this withdrawl phase of mine, and have forgotten about other people’s feelings, needs, wants. It makes me feel like an asshole and the self-loathing is not giving me any confidence to continue the journey.

I continue on though because I know this will be over one day.

One thing she told me was I have to let my brain retrain itself. The systems in my brain need to slowly return to their normal state – particularly GABA receptors (neurotransmitters). Benzos enhance GABA activity in the brain, soooo… since my brain is not experiencing the usual GABA activity, I am more prone to anxiety. Why? Because “GABA-underactivity, (results) in hyperexcitability of the nervous system. This hyperexcitability is the root cause of most withdrawal symptoms…” (Professor C. Heather Ashton DM, FRCP. “Chapter I:  The benzodiazepines: What they do in the body.” Benzodiazepines: How they work and how to withdraw. August 2002).

I didn’t experience much anxiety due to the weening process until I dropped my dosage to 1 mg. For one whole week, I couldn’t sleep at night, I tossed and turned – even with the diazepam (so I increased the dose of diazepam from 2 mg to 3 mg, and finally 6 mg to get relief at night). I had a horrible time at work – it was impossible to concentrate or stay focused on any given task.  My appetite was MIA.

I have experienced more anxiety and panic attacks during this weening process than I’ve had in probably six years (the last time I had regular patterns of anxiety). I just remind myself when I feel overly anxious it is part of the process of letting my brain heal itself.

I have a reached a point in my life where I want to be rid of my attachment to this drug. Why? There are a number of reasons, but here are a few:

• I am more stable (mentally) now than I was at 18 – the age I started taking the drug.
• I do not like being stuck in a world where I must take my medication or I become extremely ill.
• I am getting married next fall, after which I would like to have babies – and not floppy ones (not trying to be funny here). 

I slowly began weening off alprazolam in June of 2008 – with the help of my shrink and support of my wonderful fiancé. I cannot stop cold turkey since it is very dangerous and can cause seziures. It seems like I never took a consistent dosage all these years either, it just “depended on the day”. I consumed anywhere from 1 mg to 4 mg per day, so my doctor started the ween at 2 mg.

What does this mean exactly? I was to break that 2 mg up throughout the day. Alprazolam has a four hour half-life (or possibly two hours in someone like myself, who has taken a high dose for many years and has built up a tolerance). To make a long story short, I followed this method very very slowly for the first few months going from 2 mg down to 1.75 mg, to 1.5 mg, and now I am at 1 mg a day. (Dropping to 1 mg has been my worst experience so far, and I will get to that soon).

In the middle of the weening process – a couple of months in to be precise – I decided to try the Ashton Taper Method. With this particular method, as I bring my dose of alprazolam down, I add diazepam (valium) - but only at night. Adding diazepam at night – which has a longer half-life btw (20 hours or more) – makes it easier to make it through the night, and allows me to take my first dose of alprazolam later in the morning rather than first thing. When I stop taking alprazolam altogether, I “simply” ween off the diazepam, which is supposed to be easier. I guess I shall find out soon.  Read more about the Ashton Taper Method.

This has not been easy for me, although it has gotten easier. At first, the thought of not taking alprazolam anymore was my worst side effect. I was creating anxiety in myself just thinking about not having my “magic cure” anymore. It was always easier to pop a pill. Even reaching for the bottle brought nearly instant relief. I have always been fond of putting the pill under my tongue so it dissolves right away, and the drug enters my sytem faster.

I should add that I did not just take alprazolam for my anxiety. I have also abused clonazepam, bromazepam, and nitrazapam – more members of the benzo family. My GABA receptors must be fried.

I do not mess with anymore benzos – and faithfully stick to my weening schedule. However, I still abuse opiates on the side and I realize I will have to face the music here too. (More on that soon as well).